Marriage. It’s one of many greatest selections you’ll make in your life, and it may be such a blessing! Among the best components of my job as co-host of The Ramsey Present and our Ramsey Cash & Marriage occasion is speaking to people who find themselves desirous about tying the knot.
And over time, I’ve discovered one thing from working with so many {couples}: Approach too many individuals get married with out studying vital issues about their partner—like whether or not they’re in important debt, need to have youngsters, or have the identical non secular views.
I do know these subjects might be awkward and uncomfortable. However marriage is difficult sufficient once you and your partner are on the identical web page about huge issues like cash and religion. Whenever you aren’t, issues can get messy.
So, to present you some steerage, I’m going to share a listing of 12 questions you need to ask earlier than marriage. The questions are geared towards people who find themselves relationship and wanting to ensure their accomplice is marriage materials . . . however it wouldn’t harm to ask these questions even when you’re already engaged or married. Let’s dive in.
Cash Inquiries to Ask Earlier than Marriage
1. How do you deal with cash?
Guys, cash is without doubt one of the most vital issues to speak about earlier than marriage as a result of it’s one of many commonest issues spouses struggle about, based on our State of Psychological Well being 2022 report. And people cash fights are a number one reason behind divorce.
That is the time to study your accomplice’s cash scenario and be fully trustworthy about yours. No secrets and techniques. The purpose right here is to grasp your accomplice’s attitudes about cash and habits for giving, saving and spending. You’ll additionally need to ensure that they’re keen to mix funds when you’re married, which is one thing I like to recommend to each married couple.
2. How a lot debt do you could have?
You additionally want to speak about how a lot debt you each have. And we’re not going to beat across the bush and say, “Oh yeah, I’ve some bank card debt from school.”
It’s essential to know specifics. Like, “He’s bought $42,321 in debt between scholar loans and bank card debt. He minimize up the playing cards and began paying off scholar loans earlier than we ever met, and he’s bought a plan to be debt-free in 22 months.” These are the sorts of particulars you must share with one another.
Now, when you or your accomplice do have debt, that alone isn’t a dealbreaker. However the two of you need to be unified about paying it off and never borrowing any extra money sooner or later. That’s the vital takeaway right here. And hey, possibly you’ll get fortunate and discover out you each have a bunch of cash saved.
3. How would we make a funds?
Budgeting isn’t optionally available, y’all! You and your future partner should make a funds each month. Sure, actually.
I’ll be trustworthy, I don’t like making a funds—that’s extra my husband Winston’s factor. However I do love having a funds, as a result of it retains our cash organized. It additionally lets us spend cash with out feeling responsible or combating about it, since now we have a plan for each greenback we make.
Right here’s a tip: On the subject of budgeting, I like to recommend beginning by downloading the free EveryDollar app in your telephone. It’ll allow you to arrange a funds in only a few minutes—even when you’ve by no means carried out it earlier than.
4. What are your cash targets?
Likelihood is you and your important different are in several levels of your cash journey, and that’s A-OK. However you do need to ensure you’re aligned in your cash targets for the longer term.
Listed here are some examples of nice monetary targets:
- Paying off debt
- Saving for emergencies
- Investing for the longer term
- Saving up a down cost on your home
- Giving cash constantly
The largest factor is ensuring your accomplice has a long-term imaginative and prescient with their cash—and that they’re not the kind to receives a commission on Friday and spend your entire test earlier than Sunday morning.
Relationship Inquiries to Ask Earlier than Marriage
5. How are our personalities completely different?
You guys, this can be a huge one. Whether or not you’re nonetheless relationship or already engaged, ensure you study your accomplice’s persona and yours. That’s as a result of your particular person personalities will have an effect on every thing from the way you deal with battle to what makes you are feeling really beloved.
The Dr. John Delony Present helps folks by real-life marriage challenges. Hear now!
I’m a complete nerd in terms of studying about completely different persona varieties and communication types, particularly by taking checks just like the Enneagram and DISC. I discover it fascinating and enjoyable! And this type of self-awareness has helped me in my very own private progress, in addition to in my marriage.
Right here’s a tip: Studying about one another’s persona types doesn’t all the time must be tremendous severe. Seize some Questions for People Dialog Playing cards and spend a night studying about your accomplice whereas laughing an entire lot. (I like to recommend the Relationship deck when you actually need to get to know one another.)
6. What are your private targets?
In case your boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t the kind to get enthusiastic about New Yr’s resolutions or tremendous fired up about “crushing” their subsequent purpose, that’s completely high quality. Nevertheless it is vital that they worth private progress and have a imaginative and prescient for his or her future.
So, as you be taught extra about your accomplice’s persona, ask them about their private targets. How do they need their profession to look sooner or later? What do they need of their relationship with God? Which areas do they most need to develop in?
7. How do you deal with battle?
This can be a query you need to get a solution to with out having to actually ask it. That’s as a result of, as you spend extra time with somebody, you’ll naturally get a superb have a look at how they deal with battle.
So, once you and your accomplice disagree, how do they reply? Wholesome battle often entails calm communication and compromise. But when your accomplice tends to close down or get defensive, you might have an issue in your fingers.
8. What are your fears?
Worry is regular. But when we don’t discuss our fears, we will really feel alone and as if no one else worries about the identical issues we do. However that’s hardly ever truly true! So, you need to ask your future partner about what they’re afraid of, and you need to open up about your fears too. Not solely will it make it easier to develop nearer as a pair, however it might additionally make it easier to discover some peace.
Household Inquiries to Ask Earlier than Marriage
9. Do you need to have youngsters?
Let me be clear: I do not need you to start out asking questions on having youngsters on the primary date—that’s an effective way to essentially freak somebody out. However as your relationship progresses and issues begin to get extra severe, this is without doubt one of the most vital questions on this listing.
Ask about your accomplice’s expectations and ensure you’re on the identical web page about having youngsters—and the way many you every need.
10. How would we elevate our kids?
In case you and your accomplice each need youngsters, nice! Then you can begin imagining what elevating them would possibly appear to be. Listed here are some concepts to consider:
- Values: Which values would we need to move on to our kids?
- Self-discipline: What are the fitting (and mistaken) methods to self-discipline youngsters?
- Childcare: Who would look after the children? May one dad or mum keep residence?
- College: Would we ship our youngsters to public or personal college? Or would we homeschool them?
- Faculty: Would we need to assist our youngsters pay for faculty? In that case, how would we plan for that?
You don’t must have all of the solutions at this time. However these questions on beginning a household are a superb place to start.
11. What are our non secular views?
The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 6:14 (NKJV), “Don’t be unequally yoked along with unbelievers.” When your religion is aligned (aka “equally yoked”), so are your worth methods. A shared religion or non secular view will make it easier to navigate life’s ups and downs—since you share the identical guiding ideas.
12. What boundaries would we need to have with our in-laws?
You really want to search out out what you could be moving into along with your accomplice’s household—and vice versa. How a lot do every of you need your in-laws concerned in your life? Lay out your expectations up entrance.
I do know this isn’t the best factor to speak about, however right here’s why it’s so vital: You need to honor your dad and mom whereas separating from them and changing into one along with your partner as a pair. In case you don’t agree about what this seems like from the get-go, chances are you’ll be headed for actual hassle.
Asking Questions Earlier than You Get Married Will Set You Up for Success
In case you’ve been relationship some time, you in all probability have the solutions to a few of these questions already. And others will in all probability come up in dialog.
For the remainder, although, attempt to not deal with it like a job interview. The purpose is to ensure you and your accomplice are on the identical web page, not grill them such as you’re a kind of legal professionals on TV. And bear in mind, a disagreement isn’t all the time a purple flag. It would simply be an space to be taught extra about.
In case you keep variety, calm and compassionate whereas asking these questions, I do know the dialog will likely be successful!
